#1 Before CPT Therapy

The Beginning: Before CPT Therapy

Today I realized I have PTSD. I vomited. I have PTSD from something that happened 15 years ago. 

Next Monday I will walk into her office with a yes or a no.

Am I ready for a 12 week PTSD program? 

Am I willing to vomit and have swollen eyes on a weekly basis? 

Am I willing to do this for my husband? 

Will my husband stand beside me, behind me or above me as I vomit? 

Are we ready to face this?

 Am I ready? 

Is he ready?

I don't know. This decision will forever effect the rest of our lives.

Avoid or confront? 

Will our strong marriage be saved or severed?

  Is my personality, which I've grown to love, going to change? (stuck point) 

(You'll learn about stuck points soon...)

Will I still be the person he fell in love with? Will we look at each other the same way in the next 12 weeks? Am I more worried about saving my marriage than saving myself? (stuck point)

#2 Before CPT Therapy

Marriage Counseling or PTSD Therapy?

Today David joined me for group counseling. In order to determine what we need to focus on in therapy (PTSD therapy or marriage counseling), he needed to decide on what was more important to him. Because PTSD therapy is so intense, we could not do both. In marriage counseling we leave the session angry and upset with each other because of everything problematic in our marriage that we discussed. In PTSD therapy I would need him for support, and we couldn't be constantly angry with each other. The therapist pulled out her PTSD manual. She flipped to a page of diagrams and showed it to David. The diagram showed a list of signs for PTSD.


They included:

• Avoiding reminders of the trauma
• Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
• Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
• Intense physical reactions to the reminders of the event (nausea, muscle tension)
• Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
• Loss of interest in activities and life in general
• Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Irritability or outbursts of anger
• Difficulty concentrating
• Guilt, shame or self blame
• Feelings of mistrust or betrayal
• Feeling alienated alone
• Physical aches and pains

I have all of those, and David knew it too.

Without thinking twice, he determined PTSD therapy is more important than marriage counseling. 

He said he would be willing to stand beside me for the next 12 weeks.

#3 Session 1

Session 1

I inserted the picture above of the diagram that is shown in the CPT Manuel.
Below I elaborated on each symptom.

Here's what I've been dealing with (slowly escalating the past 17 years)

1. Aggression - fights in high school. I am constantly arguing with anyone.
2. Self harm - picking. I constantly pick at my face, chest and thighs. (STUCK POINT) Most of the time with a sewing needle. I pick until it's bleeding a good amount and then I constantly pick the scabs until they scar. I hate the scars.
3. Substance abuse- I started smoking and trying (experimenting) (STUCK POINT) with drugs after the incident. Stopped drugs when I met David. I still smoke off and on, depending on if I'm pregnant or breastfeeding. I don't care about the side effects.
4. Binging - I eat very little all day long. Coffee for breakfast, Coke for lunch, Ensure after work and I binge ring before bed. I eat until I can't eat anymore. But I'm not over or underweight. 5'2'' and 125 pounds.
5. Avoidance of thoughts (STUCK POINT) - of course.
6. Behavioral avoidance - ? I try to avoid people sitting or standing too close to me. (STUCK POINT)
7. Disassociation - worst in my car. I don't ever listen to music anymore - I hate it. It brings emotion. (STUCK POINT) I have four news apps on my phone and every preset station in my car is NPR.
8. Emotional shutdown - I try my damndest to not show any sad emotion to anyone. It is a weakness.
9. Social withdrawl - I can count my "true friends" on 3 fingers  - maybe 4 at the most. My husband, my sister (in Missouri) and a college roommate (in Missouri). The 4th is a colleuge I've only known for 5 years. I avoid a lot of conversations with her because she's a pessimist. I don't go anywhere with friends. I rarely (once a month) catch up with my Missouri friend. My husband and I never have alone time to talk. Other than work, I have no social life (unless you count Facebook) and 95% of my workday is spent talking to 4 & 5 year olds.
10. Withdrawl from activities: I hate going to church. I hate watching my husband spend the day with his family when mine is 500 miles away. I don't join social groups. I avoid one-on-one conversations with adults. I'd rather speak in front of a group of 500 strangers than talk to one stranger one-on-one. I avoid any place where there's people I don't know. (STUCK POINT) I feel very uncomfortable.
11. Physical complaints - my stomach hurts constantly. (STUCK POINT) I've had to use an enema almost daily for the past year and a half. I hate having to poop. I hate having to push. I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. Instead of sitting there for 15 minutes trying to poop I just think of all the other things I need to do. My diet sucks. It consists of sweets, Ensure, Coke, and binging before bed. I even had surgery the summer of '13 to try to solve the stomach issues. The doctor thought an apt on my fallopian tube caused the pain. After 3 incisions and a case of ecoli, no change in my stomach. To this very day I deal with it.

#4 Session 1

Session 1 Assignment

In order to prepare myself for CPT-PTSD session one, I uploaded the CPT coach APP.
This APP has all my assignments, as well as a random mood checker.
 It will graph my mood changes for the next 12 weeks.

See pictures below of the APP that I will be using daily to help during therapy:

Session 1: Introduction and Education Phase

Practice Assignment:

Please write at least one page on why you think this traumatic event occurred. 

You are not being asked to write specifics about the traumatic event. 

Write about what you have been thinking about the cause of the worst event. 

Also, consider the effects this traumatic event has had on your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world in the following areas: safety, trust, power/control, esteem, and intimacy. 

Write at least one page on why you think this traumatic event occurred. Write about what you've been thinking about the cause of the worst event.

The cause of the event... I can think of many.

1. Not yelling or screaming "No" or "Stop" when my friend was sleeping 15 ft. from me.
2. Him
3. My decision to spend the night at her house.
4. My confusion on whether what he was doing was ok or wrong. (STUCK POINT)
5. His family not knowing he had issues.

Consider the effects this traumatic event has had on your beliefs about yourself.

I am controlling. I will never be controlled again. I don't want to look attractive to men. (STUCK POINT) I doubt my decision making skills. I want to be better at work than anyone else, and I want them to know it. I don't know why this traumatic event has had affect on my work, but this has to be the reason. Or maybe it was from the way I was raised...

Consider the effects this traumatic event has had on others.

It is hard for others to "get close" and get to know me. (STUCK POINT) I put others down to make them feel like they are "less" than me. I refuse to hug (STUCK POINT) - it's what I'm known for. I can count people I consider "real friends" on one hand. (STUCK POINT) My husband feels like I'm too controlling. I do not "hang out" or socialize. (STUCK POINT) I cannot sit close to anyone, except my husband. (STUCK POINT) I do not rely on anyone. I am self-sufficient. I like this about myself but it's overwhelming.

Consider the effects this traumatic event has had about the world (safety, trust, power/control, esteem and intimacy).

The world is safe. However, if there ever came a time where my family or I was in danger, I would have no problem emptying a clip into their body. I have had many safety discussions with my oldest, Diesel. He knows what to do if someone breaks into the house, (he takes his brother and they hide in the closet) and I will handle the "bad guy." We live in the country, so I know I will have to solve the problem before the police would make the 15 minute drive here. Guns have gun locks and are hidden, but they are in a quickly accessible spot for me. Because my husband is a firefighter I have to be capable of handling any situation that may arise during the night, or day, when he's gone.

Trust, I don't trust anyone completely. (STUCK POINT) I understand most people are usually trusting, but I have to get to know them well before I trust them enough to "see inside my head."

I am very controlling. I usually am in control of every situation - whether home or work. But this is my main cause of my overwhelmness. I wish I could give up some control, but I would have to trust someone enough to do it right. (STUCK POINT)

My self-esteem is shitty. I don't like to make myself look or feel attractive (STUCK POINT) - unless (very rarely) for my husband. I'm too short, my boobs too droopy, my nose too big, my thighs too big, my hair unstylable, too much body hair, my skin breaks out constantly. I cover my body with loose, comfortable clothes. I hate jeans - too tight. I hate socks, they make me feel like I can't breathe. (STUCK POINT) My wedding ring set is too fancy (STUCK POINT), so I wear a $20 sterling silver band instead. I feel bad when I buy new clothes, unless they're under $10. My most expensive purse is my $40 chicken purse. I think my car is my only self-esteem booster. It's very nice, although the inside is always a complete mess. I'm embarrassed about living in my "manufactured home." I feel like trailer trash.

Intimacy- I only do it for my husband. If I had my choice, I would never have sex or be touched. (STUCK POINT) I try to make sure my husband gets his physical touch 2-3 times a week - for him. I try to plan intimate moments so I don't have that "anticipation"feeling as I get into bed. (STUCK POINT)