Before I start to elaborate on my homework, I have to explain circumstances surrounding it.
The week prior, my grandfather was unexpectedly killed.
He was hit by a car while trying to save his friend's dog.
He died instantly.
I had to fly out the day after he died to support my mother's family.
So this homework was postponed a week due to the circumstance.
My husband and I both had homework this week.
We both had to independently write down what an ideal "school-night routine" would look like.
My husband had to write what exactly "support of his jobs" looks like.
I had to do ABC's on power and control.
I don't have my husband's copies of homework, but in the end, we decided his homework didn't matter, YET. I'll tell you more about it later....
What I want for an evening routine, on school nights, when my husband's at home:
6:00- Make dinner and eat with the family at the table.
7:00 Bathtime
Inbetween dinner and bath and after bath time, do any school work, get ready for tomorrow, and read to the boys.
8:00 Boys are in bed. Tucked in. If they haven't been read to yet, read a story to them while in bed.
After boys are in bed, no cleaning, only relaxing and bathing and getting ourselves ready for tomorrow. Adult time.
ABC Sheets on Power and Control
A: Activating Event- Something happens
B: Belief- I tell myself something
C: Consequence: I feel something
1) Are my thoughts in B realistic? yes or no
2) What can you tell yourself on such occasions in the future (on the belief, B)?
SCHOOL/DAYCARE
A. I take care of everything that has to do with my six-year-old and school and with my three-year-old and daycare. I pick them up everyday, drop them off every day, and talk to their teachers daily about any situations or behaviors that need to be discussed. I sign homework folders, help with homework or skills that need to be worked on, and I deal with behavior issues with both boys.
B. My husband knows nothing about the boys' routine, assignments, and responsibilities with daycare and school.
C. I feel sad.
1. Yes
2) Ask my husband to start being in charge of our oldest's homework folder and ONE night a week of homework to help him get involved.
CLEANING
A. The house is dirty.
B. I need help cleaning the house.
C. I feel angry and disgusted.
1) Yes
2) Come up with chores for the boys. During the weekend have all 4 of us come together to come up with a "to-do" list for the week.
NO CONTROL OR INFLUENCE OF MY HUSBAND
A) My husband comes home late, buys big things without asking me, does/works on what he wants, and has no care or consideration of what I want/need done.
B) I have no control or influence over my husband.
C) I feel angry and embarrassed. AND devalued, I added a new feeling that's not on my list of feelings I'm supposed to choose from.
1) Yes
2) Ask my husband to come to me or call me before he buys big things (over $100). Talk to my husband about my order of importance on getting things done around the house that I can't do. Set up an evening routine agreement.
THE YARD
A. The yard has ongoing project piles everywhere.
B. The yard looks like shit. I feel like trailer trash.
C. I feel angry and ashamed and embarrassed and disgusted.
1) Yes
2) It is slowly getting more presentable. If David would stop any new projects before others were complete, I might not be embarrassed by people coming over.
ANIMALS
A. The pig stinks. The sheep make the front pasture look like shit and take away from family time. The dogs, who are strictly used to protect the farm animals, constantly eat my chickens and are worthless. They killed 30 of my chickens in less than 2 weeks.
B. I hate all of my husband's animals, except Penny (who is house-trained and used to herd sheep). They all cause problems.
C. I feel enraged and sad and DEVALUED. My feelings don't matter at all to him, especially when it came to my chickens being killed.
1) Yes
2) I'm OK with Penny. I need to stop my chicken farming because it adds too much drama (anger, sadness) in my life because all of my favorite and expensive chickens have been killed. Animals need to be cut back. I enjoy my new cat. I'd rather have MY dog, but since two of them have already been killed in our yard, a cat will have to do.
HIRING PEOPLE TO FIX/CLEAN THINGS
A. I can't have a second job. Things that I need fixed or help with gets done on HIS schedule.
B. I can't hire anyone for help because my husband doesn't want to pay for something him or I can do (even if we don't have the time).
C. I feel angry and DEVALUED.
1) Yes
2) Hire someone anyway. Put it on the credit card if necessary (however, it would be on my credit card that I have to pay for with my paycheck). Always tell my husband before I hire someone to give him a chance to do it before it comes to that.
MY HUSBAND IS NOT HAPPY (CRABBY) WHEN HE COMES HOME
A. My husband comes inside in the evenings and acts like he's miserable.
B. David acts like he's crabby and unhappy when he comes home because he "worked so hard" that day.
C. I feel angry, sad, and disgusted. I worked too. Just because it wasn't hard labor, which is HIS CHOICE of a side job, doesn't mean I'm not tired too. But I RARELY act that way in the evenings, and it makes me not want to be around him because I feel he's being selfish because he thinks he works harder than me- DEVALUED.
1) Yes
2) Maybe he wants attention and for me to feel sorry for him.
I NEVER GET KID-FREE TIME
A. I rarely get time to myself, without kids. I am a teacher. I am around kids 24 hours of the day, unless my husband is willing to watch the boys without me.
B. I need more time by myself.
C. I feel sad.
1) Yes
2) Set up a time-frame of what I need each week with my husband, especially when I'm at home with the boys all summer.
DEVALUED
A. My husband put his needs before the family's needs.
B. I am not valued by my husband.
C. I feel angry and sad.
1) I don't know.
2) I don't know. I just need to feel like an equal.
During the week I recorded my husband's "at home involvement time":
Wednesday: He had the day off. He came home at 4:30 (about the same time I get home). I was thrilled.
Thursday: He worked at the firestation all night.
Friday: He had the day off. He called me around 4:30, when I was already home, and said he'd be home around 5:30. He cam home at 6:45. I was angry, but did not say anything.
Saturday: He worked all night at the firestation.
Sunday: He was off work. WE went to church. It was the first time I had gone in months. It was too emotional for me. I began weeping three times during the service and eventually had to go sit outside. I am not ready to begin to understand God's reasoning for recent deaths in the family OR about my past.
Monday: He took off work from the firestation from 8am-8pm to do some of his mowing (side job). He came home at 5:15 and took both boys to baseball and dinner while I tutored his cousin's daughter (he agreed to take both boys so the house would be quiet while I assessed her in order to help out his cousin).
Tuesday: My oldest son had his first therapy session until 6:30 (we decided to see if he needed it due to the unexpected death of his Papa). I dropped him off at therapy at 5:30, picked up up my youngest from daycare, drove back to pick up my oldest from therapy, and headed home. I called my husband on the way home. He said he was at the neighbor's (his best friend's) and would meet me at home when I got there. He got home about 30 minutes after us, even though he saw us drive by his friend's house on the way home. I made the boys dinner, gave them a bath, and got them to bed around 9pm. He was outside the entire time working on whatever.
Wednesday: I texted David and asked him to get the boys from daycare and school because I had to stay late and do work (tomorrow was the last day of school, so I had to pack up my classroom). This is only the 2nd time I've had him do this. I was thankful he was willing to help. He got the boys from school and I actually got home before him and the boys. They came home at 6, but I had to make dinner, give them a bath, and put them to bed while he worked on whatever outside.
