Wednesday:
Today I had therapy at 4:30pm.
I left Missouri at 9:30am and went/drove straight to therapy. I got to the office at 4:15, without going home first due to time.
I called my husband at 4:15 to let him know I made it to therapy and would be home around 6pm. I couldn't wait to see my babies!
I had left Saturday at noon and arrived at my friend's house at 9:30pm. Went to bed. Woke up and got baby shower stuff together. We were setting up the shower by noon in St. Louis. I live west of Oklahoma city. This shower was for my little sister, who is having her first baby (girl) in June. After the shower I dropped my friend off around 7pm. Then I spent the night at my grandpa's. The next day I met up with my sister before she went back home. Then I drove to my grandma's. I stayed the night there.
My grandma and grandpa are both widows. My grandpa passed away last December of stomach cancer. My grandma passed away 4 years ago from complications with shingles.
I saw my dad while at my grandma's (he's in remission from throat cancer he battled until last summer). He was moving back to Illinois that weekend. Back to Illinois. This means I will drive through the town that is the reason I'm therapy.
The next morning my dad and I went to go get our hair cut by my cousin at 8:30am. Then I went back to my grandpa's. I needed to dig up his ornamental grasses to start propagating them for my husband's and my dream nursery business. My grandpa retired very young and very wealthy from his nursery business.
Then I drove two hours to my mom's to see her Tuesday night. I left her house Wednesday morning to go back to Oklahoma for therapy.
You see, all of my blood relatives live in Missouri. And Illinois. Now my dad lives back in Illinois.
Whew. Exhaustion. Did I mention I had the flu and staff the week before the baby shower, that I was IN CHARGE of, in St. Louis.
Anyway, I called my husband before I went into therapy. I wasn't mean in any way. I told him how excited I was to see him and the boys. He immediately began bitching and bitching and bitching about random stuff. I just hung up the phone instead of arguing back.
He then texted me many times. Here are a few examples:
You've changed. I don't like it.
You've quit.
I'm leaving you.
I don't trust the boys with you.
Obviously I immediately shared this with my therapist. He was still texting me as I walked into her office.
She said, "We're stopping PTSD therapy for now, write about your marriage daily." She said she was going to call my husband and try to get him to come into her office tomorrow.
She said for me to go home and clean the house, even if it's dirty from me being gone. The only way he could keep the boys from me is if DHS wouldn't consider the house sanitary. Then he'd be able to keep the boys at his parents with him.
I went home and cleaned. I called him over and over to see if the boys were coming home. I missed them. I know they missed me.
Finally he texted me that he was coming home. He brought the boys. I watched a movie and cuddled on the couch with my boys. He went straight to the bedroom and went to bed.
The Next Day, Thursday:
I woke up and my husband was gone. I had the kids. He didn't tell me where he was going. He didn't call.
He came home around 4pm. He said he was going to see the therapist at 5. He wanted to sit down with me and come up with a budget. We recently stopped having a joint checking account. We were each going to have our own and divide the bills evenly since we both make about $2,300 a month after taxes and health insurance.
Here's what we both agreed on:
Me: Car $500, Netflix $25, Life insurance $74, Car insurance $130, Daycare $500, Medical $150, Electric fluctuates from $150-350 a month, Gas $500
Him: Truck $500 (Yes, his truck is paid off. He said he needed money for repairs. He would put extra in a savings to buy a new truck. You see, he hates the fact that my car payment is $500 a month), House $400, Groceries $500, Medical $150, Credit Card $250, Gas $500
Then I wanted to discuss the fact that he has his own business account. When he's not at the firestation, he's working on his lawn business.
You see, he's always put that money in his own business account. I never know how much is in there or how much he makes. This money is not used on household, monthly bills.
This angers me.
I gave him 3 options:
1) Stop lawn business
2) Continue lawn business and will have to use that money in our family budget
This angered him.
He said no.
He said he never knows how much he makes. He always has to keep some money in the account for repairs and "upkeep" on his equipment.
He said he never knows how much he makes. He always has to keep some money in the account for repairs and "upkeep" on his equipment.
I finally got out of him that he made $9,000 in profit last year. PROFIT. This is not everything he got paid in cash or was able to deduct from his taxes. He only paid taxes on $9.000.
I told him he could:
1) Let me and the boys go to Missouri for the summer while he gets everything done that he needs to do
2) Pay me for daycare. I can't have a second job. Why? Because I have 2 kids. If I were to get another job, we'd have to pay for daycare. That would be $50 a day for 2 kids. So he could pay me $50 a day during the summer. He asked what I would do with this money. I told him that it would go into a savings account in case I needed to pay for an apartment.
3) We would figure out his profit at the end of every month. Leave $500 in his account for "upkeep", and then divide the rest of the money between the two of us.
After all, if a father has to go out and get a second job because his family doesn't make enough money to pay bills, wouldn't he put that second pay check into the family account? If you look at the above budget, I only have $24 a month extra to spend on myself. You think he's going to go buy tampons with his grocery money?
Then he left for therapy. He took my journal with the budget inside of it. When he left we were at the point of considering separating.
Then, after David got out of therapy, he went to Walmart. He is in charge of the groceries, and none had been bought since I was out of town. This is usually out of his realm. He has done "family grocery" shopping less than 5 times in our 7 1/2 year marriage.
Then he came home. He unloaded and put away every single grocery.
When he was done, he came up to me, hugged me, and started crying.
He kept repeating, while not letting me out of his arms, "I'm sorry." "This was all of my fault." "I am so proud of you."
He later told me that he had no idea how much I was going through. the therapist told him how incredible I was doing with the PTSD therapy. He had no idea about what was going on. He cried all night and fell asleep on my chest.
Saturday
Our marriage has done a 180*. He tells me constantly how sorry he is and that he would never leave me. That he's so excited about what I will become over the next few months.
This makes me feel so incredible.
Now instead of us traveling opposite ways on a highway, we're both going the same way, side by side. He said he'll be going back to my therapist, by himself, every two weeks so that he doesn't forget about what I'm going through.
This makes me feel so incredible.
Now instead of us traveling opposite ways on a highway, we're both going the same way, side by side. He said he'll be going back to my therapist, by himself, every two weeks so that he doesn't forget about what I'm going through.
Sunday
Last night I was alone. By myself. He was at the firestation. Since we only had one more night to get back into the school routine again (after spring break), I put the boys to bed at 8pm.
I was up ALL night.
My three year old finally went to bed at 10pm.
Then my six year old came into the living room. He was crying and genuinely worried about bad guys breaking into the house. After about an hour of talking he fell asleep on my stomach on the couch.
I woke up a few hours later to him peeing on me. He doesn't even wake up as I slid from under him to go change and lie in my bed.
But my three year old does. He wanted into my bed. I wanted a bed to myself. I told him no. He kicks and screams at my door for a good hour.
Then they both wake up at 7am.
So when David came home and asked if I was going to church with them, I said no, I needed to sleep. I could tell he was frustrated.
He came home at noon to wake me up to go eat lunch with his family. I did. Then at 3pm I asked him if we could go home so I could get everything ready for tomorrow. He gave me permission to go home by myself while they stayed at his parents.
He brought me home The Message from church and pointed out the following:
Romans 3-8:
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given for us. For a while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Budget had to be redone. I obviously needed some money for groceries.
New Budget:
Me: Gas $500, Vehicle $500, Groceries $200, Netflix $25, Life insurance $74, Car Insurance $130, Daycare $500, Medical $300, Internet $45
$24 extra
Him: Gas $500, Truck $500, Groceries $300, Phone $115, Electric $150-$350, House $400
Monday
My husband's at work today, so that means going home after school while leaving my 3 year old at daycare, driving 30 minutes home, getting my six year old ready for baseball, doing 1 1/2 loads of laundry, taking care of my chickens, driving 30 minutes back to town, pick up my 3 year old from daycare, go to my 6 year olds baseball practice, practice is 6-7pm, drive 30 minutes home, dinner, baths, 1/2 load of laundry, load in the dishwasher, bed. WHEW.
OVERWHELMED.
Things are still going well with my husband. I was a little disappointed in him when we talked on the phone earlier.
On Sunday, my husband's sister offered to watch the boys overnight on Saturday. We haven't been "alone" in public in FOREVER. Like over a year. We discussed just getting a hotel room, watching cable, and relaxing.
However, when I talked to him on the phone today, he asked if we could go to his buddy's birthday party Saturday night. With all his firefighter buddies. I know I would be the designated driver.
On Sunday, my husband's sister offered to watch the boys overnight on Saturday. We haven't been "alone" in public in FOREVER. Like over a year. We discussed just getting a hotel room, watching cable, and relaxing.
However, when I talked to him on the phone today, he asked if we could go to his buddy's birthday party Saturday night. With all his firefighter buddies. I know I would be the designated driver.
I was disappointed.
I figured he'd want alone time with me as much as I wanted with him.
Would he say yes to a teacher party instead of a hotel? Don't think so.
We'll see what happens...
Saturday Update
We dropped the boys off.
We went to Louie's for dinner.
We went home.
We worked on the gardens.
Around 10pm he went to the firefighter party. I told him he could go, but I wouldn't go with him. I told him not to drink and drive. I told him that if he was drinking, he need to stay the night there.
We went to Louie's for dinner.
We went home.
We worked on the gardens.
Around 10pm he went to the firefighter party. I told him he could go, but I wouldn't go with him. I told him not to drink and drive. I told him that if he was drinking, he need to stay the night there.
He was home an hour later.
Although the night did not go like I would have liked, I was proud of him for coming home. That was completely unexpected.
I was proud of him.
I was proud of him.
Here's to Session 3...
