#1 Before CPT Therapy

The Beginning: Before CPT Therapy

Today I realized I have PTSD. I vomited. I have PTSD from something that happened 15 years ago. 

Next Monday I will walk into her office with a yes or a no.

Am I ready for a 12 week PTSD program? 

Am I willing to vomit and have swollen eyes on a weekly basis? 

Am I willing to do this for my husband? 

Will my husband stand beside me, behind me or above me as I vomit? 

Are we ready to face this?

 Am I ready? 

Is he ready?

I don't know. This decision will forever effect the rest of our lives.

Avoid or confront? 

Will our strong marriage be saved or severed?

  Is my personality, which I've grown to love, going to change? (stuck point) 

(You'll learn about stuck points soon...)

Will I still be the person he fell in love with? Will we look at each other the same way in the next 12 weeks? Am I more worried about saving my marriage than saving myself? (stuck point)

#2 Before CPT Therapy

Marriage Counseling or PTSD Therapy?

Today David joined me for group counseling. In order to determine what we need to focus on in therapy (PTSD therapy or marriage counseling), he needed to decide on what was more important to him. Because PTSD therapy is so intense, we could not do both. In marriage counseling we leave the session angry and upset with each other because of everything problematic in our marriage that we discussed. In PTSD therapy I would need him for support, and we couldn't be constantly angry with each other. The therapist pulled out her PTSD manual. She flipped to a page of diagrams and showed it to David. The diagram showed a list of signs for PTSD.


They included:

• Avoiding reminders of the trauma
• Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
• Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
• Intense physical reactions to the reminders of the event (nausea, muscle tension)
• Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
• Loss of interest in activities and life in general
• Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Irritability or outbursts of anger
• Difficulty concentrating
• Guilt, shame or self blame
• Feelings of mistrust or betrayal
• Feeling alienated alone
• Physical aches and pains

I have all of those, and David knew it too.

Without thinking twice, he determined PTSD therapy is more important than marriage counseling. 

He said he would be willing to stand beside me for the next 12 weeks.

#3 Session 1

Session 1

I inserted the picture above of the diagram that is shown in the CPT Manuel.
Below I elaborated on each symptom.

Here's what I've been dealing with (slowly escalating the past 17 years)

1. Aggression - fights in high school. I am constantly arguing with anyone.
2. Self harm - picking. I constantly pick at my face, chest and thighs. (STUCK POINT) Most of the time with a sewing needle. I pick until it's bleeding a good amount and then I constantly pick the scabs until they scar. I hate the scars.
3. Substance abuse- I started smoking and trying (experimenting) (STUCK POINT) with drugs after the incident. Stopped drugs when I met David. I still smoke off and on, depending on if I'm pregnant or breastfeeding. I don't care about the side effects.
4. Binging - I eat very little all day long. Coffee for breakfast, Coke for lunch, Ensure after work and I binge ring before bed. I eat until I can't eat anymore. But I'm not over or underweight. 5'2'' and 125 pounds.
5. Avoidance of thoughts (STUCK POINT) - of course.
6. Behavioral avoidance - ? I try to avoid people sitting or standing too close to me. (STUCK POINT)
7. Disassociation - worst in my car. I don't ever listen to music anymore - I hate it. It brings emotion. (STUCK POINT) I have four news apps on my phone and every preset station in my car is NPR.
8. Emotional shutdown - I try my damndest to not show any sad emotion to anyone. It is a weakness.
9. Social withdrawl - I can count my "true friends" on 3 fingers  - maybe 4 at the most. My husband, my sister (in Missouri) and a college roommate (in Missouri). The 4th is a colleuge I've only known for 5 years. I avoid a lot of conversations with her because she's a pessimist. I don't go anywhere with friends. I rarely (once a month) catch up with my Missouri friend. My husband and I never have alone time to talk. Other than work, I have no social life (unless you count Facebook) and 95% of my workday is spent talking to 4 & 5 year olds.
10. Withdrawl from activities: I hate going to church. I hate watching my husband spend the day with his family when mine is 500 miles away. I don't join social groups. I avoid one-on-one conversations with adults. I'd rather speak in front of a group of 500 strangers than talk to one stranger one-on-one. I avoid any place where there's people I don't know. (STUCK POINT) I feel very uncomfortable.
11. Physical complaints - my stomach hurts constantly. (STUCK POINT) I've had to use an enema almost daily for the past year and a half. I hate having to poop. I hate having to push. I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. Instead of sitting there for 15 minutes trying to poop I just think of all the other things I need to do. My diet sucks. It consists of sweets, Ensure, Coke, and binging before bed. I even had surgery the summer of '13 to try to solve the stomach issues. The doctor thought an apt on my fallopian tube caused the pain. After 3 incisions and a case of ecoli, no change in my stomach. To this very day I deal with it.

#4 Session 1

Session 1 Assignment

In order to prepare myself for CPT-PTSD session one, I uploaded the CPT coach APP.
This APP has all my assignments, as well as a random mood checker.
 It will graph my mood changes for the next 12 weeks.

See pictures below of the APP that I will be using daily to help during therapy:

Session 1: Introduction and Education Phase

Practice Assignment:

Please write at least one page on why you think this traumatic event occurred. 

You are not being asked to write specifics about the traumatic event. 

Write about what you have been thinking about the cause of the worst event. 

Also, consider the effects this traumatic event has had on your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world in the following areas: safety, trust, power/control, esteem, and intimacy. 

Write at least one page on why you think this traumatic event occurred. Write about what you've been thinking about the cause of the worst event.

The cause of the event... I can think of many.

1. Not yelling or screaming "No" or "Stop" when my friend was sleeping 15 ft. from me.
2. Him
3. My decision to spend the night at her house.
4. My confusion on whether what he was doing was ok or wrong. (STUCK POINT)
5. His family not knowing he had issues.

Consider the effects this traumatic event has had on your beliefs about yourself.

I am controlling. I will never be controlled again. I don't want to look attractive to men. (STUCK POINT) I doubt my decision making skills. I want to be better at work than anyone else, and I want them to know it. I don't know why this traumatic event has had affect on my work, but this has to be the reason. Or maybe it was from the way I was raised...

Consider the effects this traumatic event has had on others.

It is hard for others to "get close" and get to know me. (STUCK POINT) I put others down to make them feel like they are "less" than me. I refuse to hug (STUCK POINT) - it's what I'm known for. I can count people I consider "real friends" on one hand. (STUCK POINT) My husband feels like I'm too controlling. I do not "hang out" or socialize. (STUCK POINT) I cannot sit close to anyone, except my husband. (STUCK POINT) I do not rely on anyone. I am self-sufficient. I like this about myself but it's overwhelming.

Consider the effects this traumatic event has had about the world (safety, trust, power/control, esteem and intimacy).

The world is safe. However, if there ever came a time where my family or I was in danger, I would have no problem emptying a clip into their body. I have had many safety discussions with my oldest, Diesel. He knows what to do if someone breaks into the house, (he takes his brother and they hide in the closet) and I will handle the "bad guy." We live in the country, so I know I will have to solve the problem before the police would make the 15 minute drive here. Guns have gun locks and are hidden, but they are in a quickly accessible spot for me. Because my husband is a firefighter I have to be capable of handling any situation that may arise during the night, or day, when he's gone.

Trust, I don't trust anyone completely. (STUCK POINT) I understand most people are usually trusting, but I have to get to know them well before I trust them enough to "see inside my head."

I am very controlling. I usually am in control of every situation - whether home or work. But this is my main cause of my overwhelmness. I wish I could give up some control, but I would have to trust someone enough to do it right. (STUCK POINT)

My self-esteem is shitty. I don't like to make myself look or feel attractive (STUCK POINT) - unless (very rarely) for my husband. I'm too short, my boobs too droopy, my nose too big, my thighs too big, my hair unstylable, too much body hair, my skin breaks out constantly. I cover my body with loose, comfortable clothes. I hate jeans - too tight. I hate socks, they make me feel like I can't breathe. (STUCK POINT) My wedding ring set is too fancy (STUCK POINT), so I wear a $20 sterling silver band instead. I feel bad when I buy new clothes, unless they're under $10. My most expensive purse is my $40 chicken purse. I think my car is my only self-esteem booster. It's very nice, although the inside is always a complete mess. I'm embarrassed about living in my "manufactured home." I feel like trailer trash.

Intimacy- I only do it for my husband. If I had my choice, I would never have sex or be touched. (STUCK POINT) I try to make sure my husband gets his physical touch 2-3 times a week - for him. I try to plan intimate moments so I don't have that "anticipation"feeling as I get into bed. (STUCK POINT)

#5 Session 1

Session 1: What Are Stuck Points

A stuck point is a personal view or thought that was caused or changed due to the account. 

Stuck points will be used throughout each therapy session.

After this session, I went back through blog post #1-4 and made the "now-realized" stuck points red.  

My stuck points are listed below:

1. Is my personality, which I've grown to love, going to change?
2. Am I more worried about saving myself than saving my marriage?
3. My confusion on whether what he was doing was ok or wrong.
4. I don't want to look attractive to men.
5. It is hard for others to "get close" and get to know me.
6. I refuse to hung.
7. I can count people I consider real friends on one hand.
8. I do not "hang out" or socialize.
9. I cannot sit next to anyone except my husband or kids.
10. I don't trust anyone completely.
11. I would have to trust someone enough to do it right because I'm too controlling.
12. My self-esteem is shitty. I don't like to make myself look or feel attractive.
13. Tight clothing, blankets and especially socks around my feet make me feel like I can't breathe. I have to know I can escape.
14. My wedding ring is too fancy. I switched from the $4,000 one to the $20 one I wear everyday.
15. If I had my choice, I would never have sex or be touched.
16. I try to plan intimate moments so I don't have that "anticipation" feeling as I get into bed.
17. I constantly pick at myself until I scar. I do this to make me relax and feel unattractive.
18. Drug and smoking experimentation.
19. Avoidance of thoughts.
20. I avoid people sitting or standing too close to me. I don't want us breathing each others smell.
21. I don't ever listen to music anymore. It causes emotion.
22. I avoid any place where there's people I don't know.
23. My stomach hurts constantly.

#6 After Session 1 but before Session 2

In Between Session 1 and 2

Tonight I am staying at the Holiday Inn by myself. 

Today started out as a normal day.  My husband would get off work at 8am, so I had to get the boys ready and to school on my own.  Then after work I drove them back home. 

As I pulled into the driveway, my jaw dropped.  Three tractors and a dump truck in my front yard.  Two of the tractors were running, so I went up to one of them.  My husband's best friend was in it.  I asked him where my husband was.  He said he was out mowing.  This meant that MY HUSBAND was out making money for his OWN personal business account.  My husband's brother was in the other tractor. 

There was no more grass in my front or back yard.  None.  There was grass this morning.  All mud.  They were moving dirt with the tractors. 

I had no idea this was going to happen.  No warning.  No, "Hey, I was thinking about doing something to the yard."  "What is your opinion." No discussion what-so-ever. 

I immediately screamed, "Get the fuck out of my yard!"  I yelled at the both of them, called my mother in law to tell her I was dropping the boys off (I didn't tell her the reason why.  She would have to ask her son that one.), packed an overnight bag for me, dropped them off at the in-laws without saying a word, tried to call my husband (no answer), texted my husband to pick up the boys at his parents, and went to the Holiday Inn. 

I spent the night in a hotel.  Alone.  I couldn't handle it.  I hadn't even got out of my car when I got home from work before I felt completely overwhelmed. 

While at the hotel my husband kept texting me horrible things... as I was trying to finish Session I's assignment. 

The next night I was up until 2am mopping tons of mud off the floor.  It had rained and snowed, and it was all mud.  We don't have a sidewalk.  Not a bit of concrete. 

They next day they are still moving dirt.  My husband is still the un-empathetic asshole man he has been for the past year. 

Back to me doing everything (he does the dishwasher when he's "home".  AKA, inside.). 

Nothing's changed.  It probably never will. 

#7 Session 2 Feelings

Session 2: Identifying Feelings

Throughout all 12 sessions of therapy, these are the only emotions I am supposed to use.  I am not allowed to think of an emotion, or write down an emotion, that is not listed below.

Main Emotion is Identified in the middle, on top.
Below is a range.
On the left is the least degree of the emotion.  On the right is the highest degree of the emotion.  

Angry

slightly irritated ----------------------------enraged

Ashamed

slightly embarrassed --------------------------mortified

Sad

a little down ---------------------------in despair

Disgusted

a little turned off -------------------------- horrified

Scared

a little uneasy --------------------------terrified

Happy

amused ----------------------------ecstatic

#8 Session 2 ABC's

Session 2: The Meaning of the Event

Practice Assignment:

Please complete the A-B-C Worksheets to become aware of the connection among events, your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Complete at least one worksheet each day. Remember to fill out the form as soon after an event as possible. Complete at least one worksheet about the worst traumatic event. 

Also, please use the Identifying Emotions Handout to help you determine what emotions you are feeling.

ABC Worksheets will be used throughout all 12 therapy sessions.  They are based off the Stuck Points realized in Session 1.

What the ABC paper should look like:

#1:

A: I looked attractive enough at 13 to a high school senior for him to molest me.

B: I don't want to look, or try to look, attractive.

C: I am scared.                                                

1) No. If I had enough money I'd have laser hair removal, spider vein removal, and a boob job.
2) Maybe it didn't matter to him whether I was attractive or unattractive.

________________________________________________________________________


#2:

A: I was confined on a couch, with a blanket on top of me, and an 18 year old boy on top of me.

B: I don't want adults to touch me.  Not even family.  Not even in a friendly way.  I only like to shake hands, instead of hug, even family.

C: I am fearful.

1) At this point in my life, yes.  I can hug and squeeze next to children, but I HATE hugging adults, even family.  I am in constant fear of being hugged, even by my husband.  I, realistically, would love not to clench up my entire body when someone hugs me.
2) These people who are trying to hug me only want to show they care about me.  They do not want to hurt me.  They won't hurt me.  My body will not be violated by hugging.

__________________________________________________________________________

#3:

A: I was violated, touched without pleasure to myself, when I was 13.

B: I don't want to have sex or be touched/pleasured romantically.

C: I feel violated, uneasy when I have sex or am touched by my husband.

1) No.  I am a woman, and I have needs and desires.  Although not as frequently, or quickly, as my husband.
2) My husband isn't only having sex with me for his pleasure.  It's for both of us to feel closer.



#9 Session 2 Assignment AGAIN

At last week's therapy session it was decided that I need another week of Session 2 assignments to redo and add new ones. 

 Last week's ABC worksheets were considered "avoiding". 

Also, after looking at Session 3's assignment, I felt unprepared.

I am not ready to face that assignment yet.  So, I am going to rewrite the 3 stuck points I previously did and try to add a couple more. 

By not doing Session 3, I got a "Strike 1".  Three strikes and I have to stop the therapy.

Only two sessions and I already have one strike. 

Redone ABC's:

#1:
A. When men look at me they imagine doing sexual acts with me.
B.  Looking attractive makes men look at me in a sexual way (therapist added: mind reading).
C. I feel scared.

1) Yes, sometimes.  It would depend on how I was dressed and where I was.  But most of the time, probably not. 
2) Do not try to purposely look unattractive. 

__________________________________________________________________________

#2
A: Family or strangers (everyone except children) touch my skin or clothing.
B: Other adults touching me is uncomfortable.
C: I feel disgusted when someone hugs or touches me.                                                                   

1) No, they are not harming me.  They are trying to make me feel better.
2) Most adults touch others for comfort or positive things.

__________________________________________________________________________

#3
A: Someone is getting close to me and might touch me.
B: People are dangerous.
C: I feel scared when I think someone's going to touch me or sit/stand close to me.                       

1) Yes.
2) They are not going to hurt me.  I should feel happy that people feel comfortable being close to me.

__________________________________________________________________________

#4
A: Having sex with my husband.
B: Sex only happens to please my husband.
C: I feel ashamed when I am intimate with my husband.                                                           

1) Yes, sometimes.  Often, most of the time, my husband puts forth no effort in pleasing me.  No, I could be more forthcoming with my husband about my needs.
2) Enjoy sex instead of thinking of it as my job.

__________________________________________________________________________

#5
A. I get in bed to go to bed.           
B. David tries to have sex with me when he knows I don't want to.
C.  I feel angry.

1) Yes, when I'm not feeling "connected" to him.  No, he's thinking we need to have sex for our marriage to be healthy.
2) He's not trying to have sex with me to be mean.  He's trying because he loves me. 

___________________________________________________________________________

#6
A. A 19 year old overpowered a 13 year-old into doing things to pleasure himself.            
B. When you are 13 you don't know right and wrong in all circumstances.
C. I feel ashamed.

1) Yes.
2) He was 19.  I was 13.  He knew what he was doing was wrong.

____________________________________________________________________________

#7
A. I wear socks or a blanket is caught around my feet.      
B. Blankets and socks are suffocating.
C. I feel scared.

1) No.
2) When my feet are covered I am not trapped.  I can escape.

____________________________________________________________________________

#8
A. I wear my wedding ring.            
B. My wedding ring is too fancy to wear every day.
C. I feel sad.

1) No.
2) My husband spent a lot of money on my ring.  I should be proud to show it off. 

___________________________________________________________________________

#9
A. I pick at myself.                   
B. Picking at myself is relaxing.               
C. I feel disgusted.

1) Yes and no.  Not when I pick so much it hurts or I scab for days and scar.
2) Think of something else to do that relaxes me. 

#10 Before and After Therapy Session 3

Wednesday:

Today I had therapy at 4:30pm.

I left Missouri at 9:30am and went/drove straight to therapy.  I got to the office at 4:15, without going home first due to time. 

I called my husband at 4:15 to let him know I made it to therapy and would be home around 6pm.  I couldn't wait to see my babies! 

I had left Saturday at noon and arrived at my friend's house at 9:30pm.  Went to bed.  Woke up and got baby shower stuff together.  We were setting up the shower by noon in St. Louis.  I live west of Oklahoma city.  This shower was for my little sister, who is having her first baby (girl) in June.  After the shower I dropped my friend off around 7pm.  Then I spent the night at my grandpa's.  The next day I met up with my sister before she went back home.  Then I drove to my grandma's.  I stayed the night there. 

My grandma and grandpa are both widows.  My grandpa passed away last December of stomach cancer.  My grandma passed away 4 years ago from complications with shingles. 

I saw my dad while at my grandma's (he's in remission from throat cancer he battled until last summer).  He was moving back to Illinois that weekend.  Back to Illinois.  This means I will drive through the town that is the reason I'm therapy. 

The next morning my dad and I went to go get our hair cut by my cousin at 8:30am.  Then I went back to my grandpa's.  I needed to dig up his ornamental grasses to start propagating them for my husband's and my dream nursery business.  My grandpa retired very young and very wealthy from his nursery business. 

Then I drove two hours to my mom's to see her Tuesday night.  I left her house Wednesday morning to go back to Oklahoma for therapy.

You see, all of my blood relatives live in Missouri.  And Illinois.  Now my dad lives back in Illinois. 

Whew.  Exhaustion.  Did I mention I had the flu and staff the week before the baby shower, that I was IN CHARGE of, in St. Louis. 

Anyway, I called my husband before I went into therapy.  I wasn't mean in any way.  I told him how excited I was to see him and the boys.  He immediately began bitching and bitching and bitching about random stuff.  I just hung up the phone instead of arguing back.
He then texted me many times.  Here are a few examples:
You've changed.  I don't like it.
You've quit.
I'm leaving you.
I don't trust the boys with you.

Obviously I immediately shared this with my therapist.  He was still texting me as I walked into her office. 

She said, "We're stopping PTSD therapy for now, write about your marriage daily."  She said she was going to call my husband and try to get him to come into her office tomorrow. 

She said for me to go home and clean the house, even if it's dirty from me being gone.  The only way he could keep the boys from me is if DHS wouldn't consider the house sanitary.  Then he'd be able to keep the boys at his parents with him. 

I went home and cleaned.  I called him over and over to see if the boys were coming home.  I missed them.  I know they missed me. 

Finally he texted me that he was coming home.  He brought the boys.  I watched a movie and cuddled on the couch with my boys.  He went straight to the bedroom and went to bed.

The Next Day, Thursday:

I woke up and my husband was gone.  I had the kids.  He didn't tell me where he was going.  He didn't call. 

He came home around 4pm.  He said he was going to see the therapist at 5.  He wanted to sit down with me and come up with a budget.  We recently stopped having a joint checking account.  We were each going to have our own and divide the bills evenly since we both make about $2,300 a month after taxes and health insurance. 

Here's what we both agreed on:

Me: Car $500, Netflix $25, Life insurance $74, Car insurance $130, Daycare $500, Medical $150, Electric fluctuates from $150-350 a month, Gas $500

Him: Truck $500 (Yes, his truck is paid off.  He said he needed money for repairs.  He would put extra in a savings to buy a new truck.  You see, he hates the fact that my car payment is $500 a month), House $400, Groceries $500, Medical $150, Credit Card $250, Gas $500

Then I wanted to discuss the fact that he has his own business account.  When he's not at the firestation, he's working on his lawn business. 

You see, he's always put that money in his own business account.   I never know how much is in there or how much he makes.  This money is not used on household, monthly bills. 

This angers me.

I gave him 3 options:

1) Stop lawn business

2) Continue lawn business and will have to use that money in our family budget

This angered him. 

He said no.

He said he never knows how much he makes.  He always has to keep some money in the account for repairs and "upkeep" on his equipment. 

I finally got out of him that he made $9,000 in profit last year.  PROFIT.  This is not everything he got paid in cash or was able to deduct from his taxes.  He only paid taxes on $9.000. 

I told him he could:

1) Let me and the boys go to Missouri for the summer while he gets everything done that he needs to do

2) Pay me for daycare.  I can't have a second job.  Why?  Because I have 2 kids.  If I were to get another job, we'd have to pay for daycare.  That would be $50 a day for 2 kids.  So he could pay me $50 a day during the summer.  He asked what I would do with this money.  I told him that it would go into a savings account in case I needed to pay for an apartment. 

3) We would figure out his profit at the end of every month.  Leave $500 in his account for "upkeep", and then divide the rest of the money between the two of us. 

After all, if a father has to go out and get a second job because his family doesn't make enough money to pay bills, wouldn't he put that second pay check into the family account?  If you look at the above budget, I only have $24 a month extra to spend on myself.  You think he's going to go buy tampons with his grocery money?

Then he left for therapy.  He took my journal with the budget inside of it.  When he left we were at the point of considering separating. 

Then, after David got out of therapy, he went to Walmart.  He is in charge of the groceries, and none had been bought since I was out of town.  This is usually out of his realm.  He has done "family grocery" shopping less than 5 times in our 7 1/2 year marriage. 

Then he came home.  He unloaded and put away every single grocery. 

When he was done, he came up to me, hugged me, and started crying. 

He kept repeating, while not letting me out of his arms, "I'm sorry."  "This was all of my fault." "I am so proud of you."

He later told me that he had no idea how much I was going through.  the therapist told him how incredible I was doing with the PTSD therapy.  He had no idea about what was going on.  He cried all night and fell asleep on my chest. 

Saturday

Our marriage has done a 180*.  He tells me constantly how sorry he is and that he would never leave me.  That he's so excited about what I will become over the next few months.

This makes me feel so incredible.

 Now instead of us traveling opposite ways on a highway, we're both going the same way, side by side.  He said he'll be going back to my therapist, by himself, every two weeks so that he doesn't forget about what I'm going through. 

Sunday

Last night I was alone.  By myself.  He was at the firestation.  Since we only had one more night to get back into the school routine again (after spring break), I put the boys to bed at 8pm.

I was up ALL night.

My three year old finally went to bed at 10pm.

Then my six year old came into the living room.  He was crying and genuinely worried about bad guys breaking into the house.  After about an hour of talking he fell asleep on my stomach on the couch. 

I woke up a few hours later to him peeing on me.  He doesn't even wake up as I slid from under him to go change and lie in my bed. 

But my three year old does.  He wanted into my bed.  I wanted a bed to myself.  I told him no.  He kicks and screams at my door for a good hour.

Then they both wake up at 7am.

So when David came home and asked if I was going to church with them, I said no, I needed to sleep.  I could tell he was frustrated. 

He came home at noon to wake me up to go eat lunch with his family.  I did.  Then at 3pm I asked him if we could go home so I could get everything ready for tomorrow.  He gave me permission to go home by myself while they stayed at his parents. 

He brought me home The Message from church and pointed out the following:

Romans 3-8:

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given for us.  For a while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Budget had to be redone.  I obviously needed some money for groceries.

New Budget:

Me: Gas $500, Vehicle $500, Groceries $200, Netflix $25, Life insurance $74, Car Insurance $130, Daycare $500, Medical $300, Internet $45

$24 extra

Him: Gas $500, Truck $500, Groceries $300, Phone $115, Electric $150-$350, House $400

Monday

My husband's at work today, so that means going home after school while leaving my 3 year old at daycare, driving 30 minutes home, getting my six year old ready for baseball, doing 1 1/2 loads of laundry, taking care of my chickens, driving 30 minutes back to town, pick up my 3 year old from daycare, go to my 6 year olds baseball practice, practice is 6-7pm, drive 30 minutes home, dinner, baths, 1/2 load of laundry, load in the dishwasher, bed. WHEW.

OVERWHELMED.

Things are still going well with my husband.  I was a little disappointed in him when we talked on the phone earlier.

On Sunday, my husband's sister offered to watch the boys overnight on Saturday.  We haven't been "alone" in public in FOREVER.  Like over a year.  We discussed just getting a hotel room, watching cable, and relaxing.

However, when I talked to him on the phone today, he asked if we could go to his buddy's birthday party Saturday night.  With all his firefighter buddies.  I know I would be the designated driver.

I was disappointed. 

I figured he'd want alone time with me as much as I wanted with him.

Would he say yes to a teacher party instead of a hotel?  Don't think so.

We'll see what happens...

Saturday Update

We dropped the boys off.
We went to Louie's for dinner.
We went home.
We worked on the gardens.

Around 10pm he went to the firefighter party.  I told him he could go, but I wouldn't go with him.  I told him not to drink and drive.  I told him that if he was drinking, he need to stay the night there. 

He was home an hour later. 

Although the night did not go like I would have liked, I was proud of him for coming home.  That was completely unexpected.

I was proud of him. 

Here's to Session 3...



#11 Session 3 Assignment

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Today I am very frightened.  I already started thinking about Session 3 and cried myself to sleep last night.  It made me physically ill thinking about today's assignment. 

Session 3 Assignment:

Write a full account of the traumatic event and include as many sensory details (sights, sounds, smells, etc.) as possible. 

 Also, include as many of your thoughts and feelings that you recall having during the event.

 Pick a time and place to write so you have privacy and enough time.  
Do not stop yourself from feeling your emotions. 

 If you need to stop writing at some point, please draw a line on the paper where you stop.  

Begin writing again when you can, and continue to write the account even if it takes several occasions. 

Read the whole account to yourself every day until the next session.  

Allow yourself to feel your feelings.  

Bring your account to the next session. 

While in the waiting room waiting for therapy for Session 3 I go ahead and begin.  I am the only person in the waiting room:

We just recently moved to Illinois from Missouri.  I've never actually sat down and figured out how old I was or what year it was.

8th grade 1997-1998

13 years old in Belleville, Illinois

7th grade 1996-1997

12 years old

1997 was in Belleville, Illinois

1996 was in St. Charles, Missouri

We moved to Illinois in January 1997.  I started a new school half way through 7th grade, that January.  I was 12. 

I was 12.

I always told myself I was 13 without calculating.
I guess me thinking I was a "teenager" made me feel older. 

I moved to a new state.  New school.  No friends.  It was already half way through the school year. 

I liked the idea of starting over.  Being someone new.

One of my first friends was Jamie Stephens.  Jamie, you don't hear that name often any more.  I think it was spelt Jamie.  Almost positive.  It was.

She asked me to be my friend on Facebook about five years ago, and I immediately declined.  I wouldn't even look at her profile picture. 

I had pushed her out of my mind.

Jamie, in seventh grade, was beautiful.  She was tall, blonde, smart, super friendly, had big boobs, and on the pom-pom squad.  She was a person anyone would want as a friend.  Everyone.  She wanted to be my friend.  She was/looked completely opposite of me.  I wanted to be her with her huge smile of perfect white teeth.  When we discovered we only lived about 10 houses down from each other, on the same street, it was like it was destiny. 

But we didn't hand out much on evenings or weekends.

Probably because we were too young.

She got me to try out for the pom squad.  I made it.  I loved every minute of it.  Then, when we didn't do pom, we both helped out the basketball coach keep stats (he was also the advanced algebra teacher) during the games. 

I think it was May.  It had to be around the end of 7th grade.  I was 12 but would be 13 in June.

I remember I was later than most starting my period.  I started when I was 13.  I never grew boobs.  I had dark, think hair.  I was short.  My teeth were "ehh".  I wasn't in the popular group, but I was close.

Jamie asked me to spend the night.  I don't remember spending the night at a lot of places before, or after, the account (besides Kristie, my elementary school BFF).  I got homesick often before the account.  

I said yes.  She had this super cool upstairs bedroom.  The entire upstairs was her bedroom.  I guess it was a redone attic.  The only people that lived at her house was Jamie, her mom, and her brother, Kyle Stephens.  I don't know anything about her dad. 

His name just came to me a couple of weeks ago.
I never tried to remember it before. 

It had to be May because it was too hot to sleep in her room.  I was nervous and scared about sleeping over.

I've only really spent the night at Kristie's.  And I knew her since first grade. 

I wasn't perfect in May when I was 12.  I can remember sneaking out for the first time at Kristie's in 6th grade.  We snuck through her window in the middle of the night to share one of her mom's cigarettes and a beer we stole from her mom's boyfriend.  We walked down the road, shared the cigarette and beer, and walked back in.  We thought we were cool and tough. 

Kristie wasn't in Illinois.  Kristie was safe.  To me.  She bossed me around, yes.  I was the follower and she was the leader. 

It makes me smile when I think of that.  When I was 12, I was a follower.  When I was 13 I was a leader.  I will never be a follower again.  I will always be a leader.  My boys will be leaders.  Good ones.  I always try to be a good leader too. 

Jamie was a new house to stay at, but she didn't sneak out or smoke or drink beer.  She was a perfect angel.  I wanted to be her. 

It was hot, so we had to sleep downstairs in her living room.  I was scared, nervous anyway, so I liked the idea that her mom's room was right behind the living room.  Only a wall between us. 

_________________________________________________________________

People just walked into the therapy room, so my concentration is lost.  To be continued...

_______________________________________________________________

After therapy, 2 hours later:

I remember I had my first "kiss" (French- it was a HUGE deal at this age) in February when I was 12.  It was at the "Teen Center" (a dance, hang out for teens) with a super tall basketball player with huge braces.  It was one of those "going out" boyfriends.  Don't remember how we started "going out" or how we "broke up".  Probably just quit talking.  I don't ever remember talking to him on the phone or hanging out other than at the Teen Center. 

My first kiss was significant because it starts your sexual curiosity.  You begin thinking about what will happen next.  Nothing ever happened with the basketball player.  In fact, I remember being one of the last of the people in my grade to have their first kiss, so I think it was a desperate act for both of us - who had never been kissed before. 

Through Jamie I also met other kids in our neighborhood.  They just so happened to be mostly boys: Neil, Jordan, Brandon, and Kristin. 

Kristin was also perfect but her parents kept her on a tight leash.  She even had to keep her (very serious boyfriend for our age) a secret.  He would sneak into her house at night.  Believe it or not, she was way more sexually experienced that any of us.

Jamie, Kristin, Neil, Jordan, and Brandon.  Jamie got me into that group. 

We were a group, but back then I was closest to Jamie.  That all changed.

I was 12, spending the night at Jamie's for the first time.  It was hot and in May, so we slept in the living room.  The room right by her mom's.  I felt safer than upstairs, even though the front door was 15 feet away... the thought of someone breaking in. 

She had a big TV on the floor of her living room.  We watched movies.  I fell asleep on the floor in front of the TV. 

I wake up.  It takes me a while to figure out why I woke up.  I think he must have touched me, I woke up, and he moved his hand back.  I don't think I saw him.  I think I fell back asleep because I soon woke back up. I woke up to her brother kneeling next to me. Touching me.  I remember the feeling of the blanket still on top of me.  Trapping me.

He was a senior in highschool.  A popular, good looing one.  He was a baseball star.  I'd never talked to him before but had seen him around.

What did he want with me?

He started touching me all over.  I was so confused.  I didn't have any "experience" other than my first kiss.  I didn't know what to do.  He was so much bigger than me.  He overpowered me.  I remember pushing his hands away.  I never yelled.  Jamie was 10 feet from me sleeping on the couch.  Their mom was in the next room.  Me pushing him away didn't work.  I closed my eyes.  I didn't want to look.  I was scared.  He touched me everywhere.  Under the blanket, under my pajama shirt, under my shorts, under my underwear.  He touched whatever he wanted.  I whispered no and stop with my eyes still closed.  Maybe he thought I was sleeping?  Maybe I wanted him to think I was so that I could pretend it wasn't happening.  I don't know how long he did this.  Not long.   Maybe 10 minutes.  My eyes we closed the entire time.  I don't know why I kept my eyes closed. 

Just writing this makes my legs strain and tighten.  He finally left.  Just left.  Not a word.  Went into his room.  I was confused.  I didn't know what to think or do.  I was scared and laid awake the rest of the night.  I didn't move.  I waited there, I don't even remember where the bathroom was in her house.   I didn't even get up to go to the bathroom.  I waited there until Jamie woke up the next morning.  I felt safer but was scared to see him.  I left her house as soon as I could that morning,.  I never said what happened to anyone.  I never saw Kyle.

I started avoiding Jamie and started talking more to Neil, but he was a boy.  He lived four houses down, but I trusted him.  We never thought of eachother as more than friends - still to this day.  And still, in 2014, I still keep in contact with Neil.  He's a friend I'll always have.

I still hung around Jamie at school.  She was one of my only friends, and she was perfect.  It was just her brother.  It wasn't her fault.  She didn't know, and I wouldn't tell her.  She was one of the only people I knew.

I think I was one of her closest friends too.  As couple weeks later she asked me to spend the night again.

No.

I told myself no.  Then I thought, maybe I can just stay away from Kyle and still have my friend.  I remember somehow, without her getting suspicious, asking if we could sleep upstairs even though it was hot.  I like listening to fans, it helps me fall asleep.  I don't know if this came about before or after the account.  Fans calm me.

She said yes.

I also knew it was prom weekend.  I was 12, but knew.  Kyle was very popular, he'd be at prom.  He probably wasn't coming home after, right?  I was in middle school (6th, 7th, 8th), and he was in highschool (9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th).

Somehow I started the prom conversation.  He was going.  He was going out with his buddies after.   He wasn't coming home at all that night.

Upstairs and no Kyle.  I said yes.

Why?  I don't know.

We got ready for bed.  Her mom said we had to sleep downstairs.

Why is this such a bug deal?

I couldn't speak up.  I couldn't give a reason.

He wasn't going to be home anyway.

this time I slept on the second couch It had a side to protect me, even though he wasn't going to be there.  It took me forever to fall asleep.

Why didn't I just go home?  I was just down the road.  Was it too late to go home?  Would I look like a homesick baby?  I was 12. 

I fell asleep on the couch.  I woke up.  This time his hands didn't stop when I woke up.  They were stronger.  He did everything again but with more confidence. 

I remember crying out: no, stop.  I didn't cry out loud.  Why not?  Jamie was on the next couch.  He told me to shush.  My eyes stayed closed.  When he was done, he left. 

Somehow, maybe I was numb by now, but I fell asleep.

I awoke to his mom yelling, "What are you doing?"  I opened my eyes.  She was talking to Kyle.  He was hovered over the side of the couch.  Not touching me.  Not talking.  He just glared at me.  He warned me with his eyes.  He moved away from the couch.  He said nothing.

Their mom had pancakes ready.  I sat down as if nothing was wrong, and ate breakfast.  Kyle sat across from me, next to his mom.  He looked at me and purposely put his fingers to his nose and smelled them.  Nobody noticed but me.  This thought, to this very day, disgusts me.

He found out I was going to be there and came home after prom.  He didn't say that.  I just know.  Did he tell his friends?

I left.  I told Neil.  I begged him not to tell.  He promised me that we won't ever go around them, including Jamie, again. 

We didn't.  Jamie was out of my life.  Not even during highschool.

I didn't tell another soul until 2008.  I told my husband.  One sentence, "I was molested by a friend's brother."  He asked, "Did he rape you?"  I answered, "No."

That was all that was said until this past year.  I couldn't get it out of my head.  I couldn't solve my own problems, and I reached out for help. 

He did rape me.  Kyle Stephens, then a senior in highschool, raped me when I was 12. 


Blue comments we added to the original written account on Thursday, March 27th. 

I also drew the following picture in my journal:

I can't remember what he looks like, no matter how hard I try. 

My dad just moved back to Illinois.  What if I see him again?  Would I recognize him?  What would David do?





#12 Session 3 ABC Stuck Points

Sunday, March 30th, 2014

Part of Session 3 is to also work on ABC worksheets. 

Last week, Cheryl, my therapist, started talking to me about my previous ABC worksheets and how some of them are from the accounts and some of them are just my personality.

So I decided to look at each stuck point and try to determine whether they are caused by my personality or accounts..

These are stuck points that were written BEFORE my Session 3 account recollection:

Because of Personality
Stuck Point #1: My wedding ring is too fancy to wear.

Stuck Point #2: It is hard for other to "get close" to me or get to know me.

Stuck Point #3: I can count people I consider real friends on one hand.

Stuck Point #4: I do not "hang out" or socialize other than at work. 

Stuck Point #5: I would have to trust someone to do it right because I am so controlling.

Because of Accounts
Stuck Point #1: Looking attractive makes men look at me in a sexual way. 

Stuck Point #2: Other adults touching me is uncomfortable.

Stuck Point #3: People near me are dangerous.

Stuck Point #4: Sex only happens to please my husband.

Stuck Point #5: David tries to have sex with me even if he knows I don't want to.

Stuck Point #6: When you are 12, you don't know right and wrong in all circumstances.

Stuck Point #7: Blankets and socks are suffocating.
(Could possibly be personality due to claustrophobia)

Stuck Point #8: Picking at myself is relaxing.
(Could possibly be personality due to OCD)

Stuck Point #9: Is my personality that I've grown to love going to change?

Stuck Point #10: Am I more worried about saving myself than my marriage?

Stuck Point #11: I don't trust anyone completely. 
(Could be caused by personality from childhood.) 

Stuck Point #12: Drug and smoking experimentation.

Stuck Point #13: Avoidance of thoughts.

Stuck Point #14: I don't ever listen to music anymore because it causes too much emotion. 
(Could be caused by personality due to deaths or marriage problems.)

Stuck Point #15: I avoid any place where there's people I don't know.
(Could be caused by personality.)

Stuck Point #16: My stomach hurts constantly. 
(Could be caused by personality due to other stressors in my life.)

These are stuck points that were written AFTER my Session 3 account recollection (new stuck points):

Because of Personality
Stuck Point #6: I was sexually curious before I was raped.

Because of Accounts
Stuck Point # 17.  I am a leader.

Stuck Point #18: I try to be a good leader.

Stuck Point #19: He thought I was sleeping.

Stuck Point #20: I never said what happened except to Neil for 10 years.

Stuck Point #21: Neil will be a friend I'll always have.

Stuck Point #22: It wasn't Jamie's fault, and I wouldn't tell her. 

Stuck Point #23: I said yes to spending the night.

Stuck Point #24: What did he want with me?  Why me?

Stuck Point #25: I couldn't speak up.

Stuck Point #26 Why didn't I yell louder?

Stuck Point #27: Maybe I was numb the second time.

Stuck Point #28: His mom yelled to him, "What are you doing?" (new thought since therapy)

Stuck Point #29: The smell of private parts disgusts me because of him smelling his fingers.

Stuck Point #30: Did he tell his friends? (new thought since therapy)

Stuck Point #31: Did he ever do this to anyone else? (new thought since therapy)

Stuck Point #32: I told Neil.

Stuck Point #33: I avoided Jamie completely. 

Stuck Point #34: I cannot stand having long pubic hair.

Stuck Point #35: Where is he now?

Stuck Point #36: My dad moved back to Illinois, will I see him again? (new since therapy, I found out in February that my dad will be moving from Washington state back to Illinois due to a new job)

Stuck Point #37: I can't remember what he looks like.

Stuck Point #38: I don't ever want to see him again. 

#13 Before Session 4

Friday, April 4th, 2014

Last night I had a flashback dream. 

My first flashback, EVER.

I couldn't get out of bed.  I cried and cried and cried.

Was this normal?

I finally called my psychiatrist, not therapist, around 4pm.  I was still in bed, crying.  She reassured me that this was normal.  Due to the therapy, my brain had begun pushing memories forward. 

I saw Jamie.  We were our current age, 30.  I asked her where Kyle was.  I was going to try to press charges.

After I asked her, she told me that he was a lawyer.  A lawyer I wouldn't win against.  I would never be able to prove him guilty.

That was all I remember of the dream.

After waking up, I knew it was an irrational dream because of statute of limitations.  I have NEVER actually dreamed about Jamie OR Kyle. 

This frightens me of the future.

My therapist told me the other day that she can't find him online.  My husband recently told me that he'd do something irrational if he ever saw Kyle. 

The next day I decided to look up the statue of limitations in the state of Illinois.  I couldn't get the dream out of my head.  It turns out, I can still press charges due to my age at the time.  I could prosecute if I wanted.  Did I want to go down that route?

#14 Therapy Session 4

Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

I went into therapy today.  I read Session 3 aloud to my therapist.  I didn't think it was too hard to do.

After I was done she told me about my body language as I read it.  Unknowingly to me, I was tightening my legs as they were stretch out along the couch.  I kept crossing and moving them.  She also said my jaw was very tightened.  My voice also changed from weak to heavy. 

I didn't notice any of that as I read it.  My mind was on my words. 

Then I read my entry about my dream.

She looked at me as if she was in shock.  I asked, "This IS normal, right?"

She asked me if I had decided to look Kyle up online after she told me she couldn't find him.

I told her, flat out, NO.  I do not want to know anything more than whether there's a chance I could see him again while visiting my dad.   My brain has blocked out his face for a damn good reason, and I don't want to chance seeing his photo online. 

She then told me that she had lied to me about finding him.  She didn't want me to know... yet.  He was not in jail.  Never (as far as she could see on his records) has been.  He lives in the same area. 

He is a dad with two children.

He has a wife.

He is a lawyer.

He is a lawyer?

She asked me if there was any way I would know that information and would have blocked it out. 

No.  I have never, ever, seen or heard anything about him since the accounts.

I said it was a coincidence... my dream and his real profession.

She said it was more than a coincidence.  She said it was spiritual.  Something was preparing me.  I needed to know. 

I said it was a coincidence. 

She asked me how I felt now.

I said, "Good."  She asked why.  I said, "This means it was only me."

#15 Session 4 Asssignment

Write the whole incident again as soon as possible.  

If you were unable to complete the assignment the first time, please write more than last time.  

Add more sensory details and your thoughts and feelings during the incident.  

Also, this time write your current thoughts and feelings in parentheses.

My therapist said I already did a good job of this in Session 3.  So, I need to rewrite it in chronological order and add current feelings.  I also have a few ABC worksheets she asked me to complete. 
1) He thought I was sleeping.
2) What did he want with me?
3) I couldn't speak up.
4) Why didn't I yell louder?

Rewrite:

Before I began writing details, I actually sat down and calculated the age, grade, and year the incidents occurred.

May of 1997.  I was 12 and in 7th grade. 

In August of 1996, I lived in St. Charles, Missouri.  I was in 7th grade, in middle school.  Kristie was my best friend.  She was pretty much my only friend.  I had known her since 1st grade.
(I feel happy.)

By the time the account happened, I wasn't perfect.  Kristie's house was really the only house I had ever slept over at.  I felt comfortable there.  It was my second home.  If I would go anywhere else, I'd always get homesick. 
(I feel slightly embarrassed but realize it's a normal feeling for that age.)

I can remember sneaking out for the first time at Kristie's house.  We stole a cigarette from her mom and a beer from her mom's boyfriend.  We snuck out Kristie's bedroom window in the middle of the night, walked down the street, shared the cigarette and beer, and snuck right back in.  We felt rebellious.
(I feel ashamed.  I wouldn't want my kids to do that in 7th grade.  However, it makes me smile when I think about how we thought we were so cool by sharing that one cigarette and beer.)

Kristie was my best friend.  My safe place.  I, at 30, still talk to her even though we live half a country apart.  (I feel happy.  We have grown to be as opposite as we could possibly be, but we still remain in eachother's life.  Her mom, who lives in Missouri, even came to my sister's baby shower this past March.  Those childhood memories make me smile and laugh.)

Kristie was the leader, and I was the follower.
(I feel embarrassed knowing I was once a follower, but I am thankful that it made me realize how to lead followers.)

We moved from St. Charles, Missouri to Belleville, Illinois in January 1997.  I started 7th grade in a whole new school and a whole new state.  I knew nobody.  I got to start over.  I got to be whoever I wanted to be. 
(I felt happy when we moved, but now I feel angry.  Why did we move?  For my dad to make more money?  It's always about money.)

I was 12.  I always told myself that I was 13.  I guess me thinking I was a "teenager" made me feel older. 
(I feel sad that I purposely lied to myself for 17 years about my age during the accounts.)

One of my first friends was Jamie Stephens.  Jamie was beautiful.  She was tall, super smart, super friendly, blonde hair, beautiful white teeth, and big boobs.  And she was on the Pom squad.  She was a person anyone would want as a friend.  Everyone.  She wanted to be my friend.  She was/looked completely opposite of me.  I wanted to be her with her huge smile of perfect, white teeth.  When we discovered we only lived about 10 houses down from eachother, on the same street, it was like destiny.  In Belleville all of the schools were HUGE.  My highschool had thousands of students.  It was very rare that you find someone you can get along with that lives within walking distance when you're only 12. 
(I feel sad because I should've had more confidence in myself to feel like I could have had more than just one, good friend.)

But we didn't hang out much on evenings or weekends.  Probably because we were too young.  She got me to try out for the Pom squad, and I made it the first tryout.  I loved every minute of it.  It eventually was the reason I kept up cheerleading throughout highschool and college. 
(I feel happy.  I loved Pom and Cheerleading.)

I remember I had my first "French" kiss (it was a huge deal at this age, everyone was talking and asking about it) in February 1997, when I was 12.  It was at the Teen Center (a dance hangout, alcohol, smoke, and drug free) with a super tall basketball player with HUGE braces.  I don't remember how we even started "going out" or how we broke up.  We probably just quit talking.  I don't ever remember talking to him on the phone or hanging out other than at the Teen Center (remember, no cell phones or text messages back then). 
(I feel embarrassed when I think of that horrible kiss and how desperate of a move it was.)

My first kiss was significant because it starts your sexual curiosity.  You begin to think about what's going to happen next.  Nothing ever happened with the basketball player besides the horrid kiss. 

I remember being one of the last kids in my grade to get their "first kiss".  So, I think it was more of a desperate act for both of us, who had never kissed before. 
(I feel amused at the fact that it was based on desperation instead of feelings.)

Through Jamie I also met other kids in our "neighborhood" (around the next 3 blocks).  Most of them happened to be boys: Neil, Brandon, Jordan, and Kristin.
(I feel happy.  I loved and love those guys and girl still.  Brandon died young (25) from a side effect of medication that caused his heart to stop.  I still keep up with the other 3 on Facebook, especially Neil.  Neil and I usually just text, still to this day.)

Jamie got me into the group.  We were a group, but back then I was closest to Jamie.
(The "group" makes me feel happy.  We would often play basketball or hang out at my house.  I remember that Jordan and I both didn't have "Winter Ball" dates in middle school, so being close friends, we took eachother.  Friends is all.)

That all changed. 

It was May.  I was 12.  I would be 13 in June.  We still had our "group".  Jamie asked me to spend the night.  I had only spent the night at Kristie's before.  I said yes.  She had this super cool upstairs bedroom.  The entire upstairs was her room.  I guess it was a redone attic.  The only people that lived at her house was Jamie, her mom, and her brother, Kyle Stephens.
(I feel angry knowing what I am about to write.)

I didn't know anything about her dad. 

Jamie was a new house to sleep at, but she didn't sneak out or smoke or drink beer.  She was a perfect angel.  I wanted to be her.
(I am mortified.  My aspirations at the age of 12 were not realistic.)

It was so hot in her room that we had to sleep downstairs, in her living room.  I was scared and nervous anyway, so I liked the idea.  Her mom's room was right behind the living room.  Only a wall between her and us.  I felt safer than upstairs even though the front door was only 15 feet away.  I was worried about the thought of a stranger breaking in.
(I feel ashamed.  I thought it was safer in the living room.  I worried about strangers breaking in the house and her mom being close by to save us.  I was naïve to think that dangers could come from elsewhere, but I was also 12.)

She had a big TV on the floor of her living room.  We watched movies.  I fell asleep on the floor in front of the TV.  Jamie fell asleep on the couch behind me. 

I wake up.   I couldn't figure out why I woke up,  I think he must have touched me and then he moved away.  I don't remember seeing him that time.  I fell back asleep, but not a deep one because I soon woke back up.  I woke up to her brother kneeling on the blanket which was still covering me. 

He was a senior in highschool.  A popular, good looking one.  He was a baseball star.  I had never talked to him before but had seen him around.

What did he want with me?
(I feel disgusted.)

He started touching me all over.  I was so confused.  I didn't have any "experience" other than my first kiss.

I didn't know what to do.  He was so much bigger than me.  He overpowered me.  I remember pushing his hands away.  I never yelled.
(I feel angry.)

Jamie was 10 feet from me on the couch.  Their mom was in the next room.  Me pushing him away didn't work.  I closed my eyes.  I didn't want to look.  I was scared.
(I feel scared.)

He touched me everywhere.  Under the blanket, under my PJ shirt, under my shorts, under my underwear.
(I feel disgusted.)

He touched whatever he wanted.  I whispered NO and STOP with my eyes closed.  Maybe he thought I was sleeping.
(I feel embarrassed about assuming he thought I was sleeping.  He knew I woke up.)

Maybe I wanted him to think I was sleeping so I could pretend it wasn't happening.  I don't know how long he did this.  Not long.  Maybe 10 minutes.  My eyes were closed the entire time.  I don't know why I kept my eyes closed.

Just writing this makes my legs tighten.  He finally left.  Just left.  Not a word.  I was confused.  I didn't know what to think or do.  I was scared and lied awake the rest of the night.  I waited there.  I don't even remember where the bathroom was in her house.  I didn't even get up to go to the bathroom.  I waited there until Jamie woke up in the morning.  I felt safer but was scared to see him.  I left her house as soon as I could that morning.  I never said what happened to anyone.  I never saw Kyle.
(I feel angry.)

I started avoided Jamie and started talking more to Neil, but he was a boy.  He lived four houses down, but I trusted him.  We never thought of eachother as more than just friends, still to this day.  And, still, in 2014, I keep in contact with Neil.  He's a friend I will always have.
(I feel safe and happy.)

I still hung around Jamie at school.  She was one of my only friends, and she was perfect. It was just her brother.  It wasn't her fault.  She didn't know, and I wouldn't tell her.  She was one of the only people I knew.  I think I was one of her closest friends too.  A couple weeks later she asked me to spend the night again.

No.

I told myself no.  Then I thought, maybe I can just stay away from Kyle and still have my friend.  I remember, somehow, without her getting suspicious, asking if we could sleep upstairs even though it was hot.  I like listening to fans.  It helps me fall asleep.  I don't know if this came about before or after the account.  Fans calm me.

She said yes.

I also knew it was prom weekend.  I was 12, but I knew.  Kyle was very popular.  He'd be at prom.  He probably wasn't coming home after, right?  I was in middle (6. 7. 8th grade), and he was in high school (9, 10, 11, 12th grade).  Somehow I started the conversation.  He was going.  He was going out with his buddies after.  He wasn't coming home at all that night.

Upstairs and no Kyle?  I said yes.

Why?  I don't know.
(I feel angry and embarrassed.  Many people will think, why twice?  Why would you let this happen twice?)

We got ready for bed.  Her mom said we had to sleep downstairs.

Why is this such a big deal?
(After thought from therapy: Was he mom worried about Kyle because of something he'd already done?  Is that why we had to sleep by their mom?)

I couldn't speak up.  I wouldn't give a reason.  He wasn't going to be home anyway.
(I feel angry.)

This time I slept on the couch.  It had a side to protect me, even though he wasn't going to be home.  It took me forever to fall asleep.

Why didn't I just go home?  I was just down the road.  Was it too late to go home?  Would I look like a homesick baby?  I was 12.

I fell asleep on the couch.  I woke up.  This time his hands didn't stop when I woke up.  They were stronger.  He did everything again, but with more confidence.
(I feel enraged.)

I remember crying out, but not loud.  Why not?  Jamie was on the next couch.  He told me to shush.
(I am enraged.)

My eyes stayed closed.  When he was done, he left.

Somehow, maybe I was numb by now, I fell asleep.
(I feel embarrassed.)

I awoke to his mom yelling, "What are you doing?" I opened my eyes.  Kyle was hovered over the side of the couch, not touching me, not talking.  He just glared at me with his eyes.  He moved away from the couch.  He never said anything.
(I feel angry.  Did his mom know anything?)

Their mom had pancakes ready.  I sat down, as if nothing was wrong.  Kyle sat across from me, next to his mom.  He looked at me and purposely put his fingers to his nose and smelled them.  Nobody noticed but me.
(I feel disgusted and mortified.)

He found out I was going to be there and came home after prom.  He didn't say this.  I just know.  Did he tell his friends?
(I feel angry.)

I left.  I told Neil.  I begged him not to tell.  He promised me that we won't ever go around them, including Jamie, or their house, again.

We didn't.  Jamie was out of my life, even during highschool.
(I feel sad.)

After the accounts I became a leader.  I am no longer a follower.  I like/need being in control.  I am proud to be a leader and try to be a good one.  My boys will be great leaders too.
(I feel proud.)

I started my period when I was 13.  I was later than almost, and possibly, everyone in my grade.  I was statutorily raped before I even started my period.
(I feel angry and disgusted.)

Around 2006, Jamie sent me a message on Facebook asking me to be her friend.  I had pushed her from my memory.  She/He was back.  I immediately, without even thinking twice, said no.
(I feel sad.) (I cannot face her.  I am scared to see pictures or for her brother to find out about me and where I live.)

In 2008, I told my husband.  The second person I ever told. I said, "I was molested by a friend's brother."  He asked, "Were you raped?"  I answered, "No."

That was it.  That was the entire conversation.
(I am angry.  Why didn't he ask more?  Was it no big deal to him?)

This past year I decided to talk.

I opened up.

When I was 12, Kyle Stephens, a legal adult at the time, statutorily raped me twice.
(I am ANGRY.)